Sometimes I wonder why I even commit to certain things. It’s literally my life at the moment. I feel like I’m continuously falling short and it’s making so many disappointments in my head.
- I’m not a good enough Mother.
- I’m constantly depressed and it seems like nothing is working.
- I feel stuck emotionally.
- I’ve fallen behind in my OBS.
- I don’t pay enough attention to what’s in front of me.
- I’m always thinking about things that never happen and try to make up scenarios in my own mind.
- I’m afraid to go out because I have so much anxiety.
It’s hard to function in society when you can’t even find the will or want to function as a person. I hate feeling this way and I go through spurts of it ALL THE TIME. I’m so sick of feeling overwhelmed over nothing. I just feel like I can’t get off the couch and take the time to do menial tasks.
My son burnt his hand last night and I feel like it’s all my fault when it is not. He was in the kitchen with his father and after the burner was turned off, slipped off his footstool and grabbed it. I felt so bad and started crying with him. I wanted to turn off the pain for him so bad. I wanted to be the one who got burnt instead of him. I felt helpless as we bandaged up his little blister and soothed him. He seems better today and has been playing on and off. We just finished our time together on ABCMouse. He loves that website and learned his primary colors today. He is so smart.
I don’t know why I am so harsh on myself, I’m really not a bad Mom, I just feel like it all the time and it shows. I am worn out and always tired. Besides the fact, can’t sleep at night and constantly ache. I’m a mess and I thought I was doing so good and then this blanket of darkness crept over my shoulders and it’s so heavy and I struggle to move.
This is what it feels like inside my mind. I do get up and trudge on, but I feel like a zombie. I need to stop and I’m trying..
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
I need to let this sink in, stew in it, just live in the words of our Father. Hopefully the want will return.