Back to Square One

I feel like life won’t give us a break. One month my husband is working a wonderful job, the next he is let go because his services are no longer needed. I feel like this just continuously happening and it’s becoming tiresome. Life seems to always be unpredictable and nobody likes that. What does God have planned for this life of ours and why does it always seem to take a turn at every corner? What is the solution, what is the answer? I don’t seem to know. I’ve learned to let God handle our days and he will provide in the ways he knows how. I’m only human and just want to know when it will become secure and reassuring again. It feels like things are slipping out of grasp over and over again and it’s becoming normal. It’s not supposed to be the “norm.”

We have a family Disney vacation coming up March 15th-18th and it’s so easy to just drown in the excitement and makes me not think, how are we going to make it? We’ve got enough in the bank to hold us off a couple months but then that’s it. Why is adulting such a whirlwind of emotions that I sometimes can’t handle?

I digress. I really am excited for this vacation because when life takes these turns, we have a little out. It’s going to be our 3rd Marriage Anniversary March 19th and that was our getaway. I am going to enjoy this. I’m not going to worry. I’m going to pretend everything is fine and I’m going to feel like a kid again. These experiences are something to cherish and I want to remember every bit of it. Eddie is going to have so much fun. We’ve built a pretty good itinerary of fast passes for each day. A neat and excitement filled schedule to get every single bit of monies worth. 

We are staying at Port Orleans. It’s a beautiful room with a view and we can take the ferry to some of the parks, which is exciting. I want little man to enjoy Splash Mountain and the Na’vi River ride. I want him to enjoy seeing Mickey and Minnie. We are hoping to take him on the Slinky Dog Dash. We always have to visit Star Tours as we are pretty big Star Wars fans.

I have a feeling everything will be alright. It’ll work itself out. I’m going to continue to put our lives in the hands of the one and only, our Lord and Savior.

When you wish upon a star…….

Commitment Issues

Sometimes I wonder why I even commit to certain things. It’s literally my life at the moment. I feel like I’m continuously falling short and it’s making so many disappointments in my head.

  • I’m not a good enough Mother.
  • I’m constantly depressed and it seems like nothing is working.
  • I feel stuck emotionally.
  • I’ve fallen behind in my OBS.
  • I don’t pay enough attention to what’s in front of me.
  • I’m always thinking about things that never happen and try to make up scenarios in my own mind.
  • I’m afraid to go out because I have so much anxiety.

It’s hard to function in society when you can’t even find the will or want to function as a person. I hate feeling this way and I go through spurts of it ALL THE TIME. I’m so sick of feeling overwhelmed over nothing. I just feel like I can’t get off the couch and take the time to do menial tasks.

My son burnt his hand last night and I feel like it’s all my fault when it is not. He was in the kitchen with his father and after the burner was turned off, slipped off his footstool and grabbed it. I felt so bad and started crying with him. I wanted to turn off the pain for him so bad. I wanted to be the one who got burnt instead of him. I felt helpless as we bandaged up his little blister and soothed him. He seems better today and has been playing on and off. We just finished our time together on ABCMouse. He loves that website and learned his primary colors today. He is so smart.

I don’t know why I am so harsh on myself, I’m really not a bad Mom, I just feel like it all the time and it shows. I am worn out and always tired. Besides the fact, can’t sleep at night and constantly ache. I’m a mess and I thought I was doing so good and then this blanket of darkness crept over my shoulders and it’s so heavy and I struggle to move.

This is what it feels like inside my mind. I do get up and trudge on, but I feel like a zombie. I need to stop and I’m trying..

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I need to let this sink in, stew in it, just live in the words of our Father. Hopefully the want will return.

 

 

 

 

Starting Our Study

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I am starting off 2019 with this verse to represent January. I am making myself pick a verse per month to represent my current situation. January has been a pretty decent month and some major things have happened. I have also come up with a painting project that I am super excited to get started on.

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My husband, Jonathan, started his new career today and I am so proud of him. He deserves this position and I really hope they see what I see in him. He also went to the doctor’s and has been taking care of himself making sure his health is in a better state.

Yesterday I started  the P31, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way Bible Study and even though I’ve only read through the introduction, I am already loving it. I see great things coming out of this study and a phenomenal 100,000 ladies signed up for this event. What a great turn out. I am so blessed to be apart of this record breaking group and so happy that I’ve got a great Study group. Victoria, the handler of Chronically Hopeful 2014, https://chronicallyhopeful2014.wordpress.com/, (You should check her out, she’s wonderful in so many ways) is my group leader for this study. I am so blessed and honored to be back in her group for this one, it’s going to be a doozy!

So it’s the year of the Pig. In Chinese culture, they are the symbol of wealth. Their chubby faces and big ears are signs of fortune as well. I have always been fascinated in the Chinese Zodiac and Astrology as only in good fun.

My husband plays the Lotto every week, because in his words, “You can’t win unless you play.” Keep dreaming those dreams baby, maybe one day. He very rarely does he play a scratch off ticket, but he decided the other day to go after a $5.00 one. Big money spender right there! Later on that evening he remembered he bought the ticket and brought it over to the coffee table and decided, better now than never. When we scratch, we reveal the amounts first, then the numbers we need to win, then the numbers themselves, so it’s a surprise. He scratched the first row of amounts and each one said $10.00, the next row, all the same, the third row, all the same except a $40.00 reveal. He proceeded to give me a “Woo!” and a very hard high five and we ended up winning $150.00. That’s big for us, that never happens. It felt pretty good to be 150 richer than our poor behinds already were. 

The next day we were leaving to take Eddie back to the park. That made about 6-7 days in a row and we figured one last big “Hoo-Rah!” at the playground. We walked out front and low and behold, even though the wind was whipping us pretty intensely in the face, a $20.00 bill was sitting in the grass right next to the sidewalk. I picked it up and handed it to Jonathan and said, “Year of the Pig baby!” He just chuckled and gave me a hug and tucked it away in his jean pocket. We ended up buying the remote control Batman Tank down the clearance aisle of WalMart. We saw it the day before and thought, man Eddie would love that! We had to hide and distract his little eyes away from it because that would have caused all sorts of a tantrum, which we avoided. Well, it was fortunate for Eddie, we found just enough to buy the Bat Tank for him and he kept giving me kisses and hugs around the neck. It was so sweet and it was definitely money well spent, he is attached to it like a tick to a coon hound.

I guess God really wants Jonathan to be right where he is because I just got called with some good news. The receiving manager has been a no call, no show for two days now and the Warehouse manager asked him if he was interested in becoming the new receiving manager. Holy cow, I’m in a moment of shock. He has done receiving for 10 plus years with the other company he was with, but never as a manager of that department, just of the liquor store. I am elated. God is so good. He has now two possible positions to be in and it doesn’t dock his pay one bit if he chooses one over the other. Astonishing being somewhere at the right place and time!

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. – Joshua 1:8

Truer words have never been spoken.

Lord,

I come to you as humbly as I know to ask for your watch over my husband as he starts his new career. Bless the roads he travels on and keep him safe and secure. Keep him full of your holy spirit and confidence as he meets his new co-workers and manager. Give him the strength and the words to be the best I always knew he could be. Please grant him the courage to take hold of whatever circumstances that may come his way to better not only himself, but our little family. Thank you for all you’ve placed before us.

In Your Name I Pray,

Amen

The 55

 

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  • What is their mother’s maiden name? Hampton
  • What color are their eyes? Hazel (Sometimes super Green)
  • What is one place they desperately want to travel to? Ireland
  • What do they regret about their family life? At the moment, he wants to do more financially for us. He was just offered a better job with more pay, so he may have got just what he wanted 🙂
  • What foods can they absolutely not stand? Cottage Cheese
  • Do they shower in the morning or at night? Morning
  • Have they ever voted? Yes
  • What type of chocolate do they prefer? Dark Chocolate
  • Is there a certain nickname they absolutely hate to be called? None that I know of..
  • Where is their family from? Ashland, Kentucky
  • Is their family religious? Yes
  • Do they want a cat or a dog? We’re dog people. We have a sweet husky, Rigby.
  • Which friend have they known the longest? Tracy Ephram
  • What childhood memory do they always bring up? He always brings up the time he and his family went to New Orleans and how much he bonded with his father on that trip.
  • Do they think of themselves as extroverted or introverted? Extroverted
  • Do other people think of them as extroverted or introverted? Definitely Extroverted
  • Do they want children? We’ve got one sweet little red head, Eddie. We may be in the market for a second, that’s a decision for a later date.
  • What do they think of long term commitments, marriage, etc.? Well, we are married, so I guess you could say he’s my “Ride or Die.”
  • Do they like foreplay? Meh..
  • Are they a light sleeper? Oh no. He could sleep through a war and then asked what happened when he woke up.
  • Do they like to cuddle while they sleep? Very much so, he is a super cuddle buddy. ♥
  • Which celebrity do they find most attractive? Hmm…I never really asked that one to be completely honest. Maybe Ronda Rousey? He likes that MMA stuff.
  • How do they wind down at the end of a long day? At the moment he is all about his Batman Arkham City video game. He is a gamer through and through. He also enjoys watching a good movie or catching up on a television show we both enjoy. Nothing beats having Eddie between us to snuggle up to.
  • Do they drink every day? Not anymore. Thank you Lord!
  • Would they ever want to live abroad? We’ve talked about it. With this new job, they also have delivery sites in Australia. That is the place I’ve ALWAYS wanted to visit/live……so we’ll see.
  • Do they still have their wisdom teeth? Nope
  • What do they like on pizza? Meat. When I say meat, I mean meat, like ALL THE MEATS. Mushrooms too.
  • Do they have severe allergies and what are they? No, he just has one nostril that is narrow and harder to breath through because of how many times his nose was broke when he was a boxer.
  • If they went to college, what did they study? He majored in Computer Technology.
  • Do they believe in God? Absolutely.
  • What’s their favorite sex position? He jumps up from the top rope and pile drives me. Oh sex position… Missionary, I suppose? We are traditional.
  • In an ideal world, how many times a week would they want to have sex? 2-3
  • What’s their least favorite part of their current job? Well, nothing yet, he starts on Monday.
  • What are they currently reading? Comic books, which one? Beats me…too many to choose from. Nerd..
  • Are they conscious about saving money? Well, I believe that is something we will be working on in good ol’ 2019.
  • What is their ideal date night? Dinner and a movie. I’m a very chill person, this is okay by my standards.
  • Where were they born? Ashland, Kentucky.
  • How do they take their coffee? Little cream, lots of sugar.
  • What is the one thing you could say to make them start arguing with you? Money, so we don’t go there if we don’t have to.
  • What is their astrological sign? Libra
  • What is their favorite season? Fall
  • What amount of PDA are they comfortable with? Hug, hold hands, a quick kiss.
  • What is their go-to drink order? Sweet Tea (No lemon)
  • How old were they when they lost their virginity? Probably around 16-17.
  • What are their porn preferences? Oh goodness me. Hopefully none, I should be the only woman he is looking at.
  • Are they confrontational? Not with me. He knows better. *snickers*
  • How often do they use social media? Every day. No more than the average Joe.
  • Do they have condiment/hot sauce preferences? He prefers Mustard to Ketchup, Mayo to Miracle Whip, Pepper to Salt, and Louisiana Hot Sauce is his go to.
  • What makes them insanely impatient? In all honesty here, he is the most patient person I’ve ever met. I’ve never really seen him completely impatient since I’ve known him. I wish I had his patients…
  • What is their go-to form of exercise? Upper body, core, and cardio.
  • What is their dream job? To be a History Teacher or Computer Technician.
  • What is their favorite meal? Sausage, Fried Potatoes, and Greens. BBQ Ribs is a close second.
  • Who is their closest friend currently? Honesty here, Me. We’ve fell out of a lot of communication with others since we had Eddie, but we love every minute of it.
  • What is the one thing that gets them off every time? Oh come on, do we really need to ask this one? Me in a Harley Quinn outfit…DUH!
  • Do they like celebrating their birthday? Not after his Dirty 30. He says it’s all down hill from here….psh…He doesn’t mind celebrating when it’s just us…OOOOoooohhhhhh…….Yea, he does.

I figured this would be something fun I could share. I like to do these every once in a while and I love talking about my Hubby, so this was really a lot of fun. I encourage others to do this as well. You might find out you know more than you thought. Until next time.

 

The Beginning of Forever

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This is the love of my life, Jonathan Clark. We met each other at Winn Dixie Liquor Store as associates in August of 2011 and went on our first date on Halloween. His nephew was born that morning, little did I know that later on I would become his Aunt. We went to our friendly neighborhood Cheers for a couple games of pool and a couple mixed drinks after work that night. We were texting all night the night before and I begged him to dress in a cowboy outfit. Little did I know he would come through and actually walk into the store in his sexy cowboy hat and cute plaid button up that I later would wear all the time. I was dressed in my Cubs baseball jersey and cute little white booty shorts and I’m pretty sure that got his attention. Oh, if only I looked good as I did then. That’s besides the point. We ended the night with me sitting on the back of his Monte Carlo, arms around his neck and just talking. He was a complete gentleman. He walked me up to my front door and gave me a hug, needless to say, no good night kiss.

The second date was not necessarily a date, I was just lonely and wanted to hang out so I texted him, “You know I’ve got this bottle of Marshmallow Pinnacle Vodka you up sold me on and no one to drink it with.” He replies, “I’ll be right over.” He shows up to my door with two gas station hot chocolates and a cute little smile spread wide across his face. We proceed to the tree house my dad made for my sister and I in the backyard and up the stairs we climbed.

Side note: That tree house was everything! It had electricity running to it, a ceiling fan, a television in it, radio, lights, the works. My Dad always went ALL out on stuff like this.

So we get to into the house, shut the floor door and poured a generous helping of Marshmallow vodka into our hot chocolates and just sat across from each other and start to just talk. It was the most respectable thing any guy had ever done with me, the guys around my area are sluts. So that being said, we turned on some music and just kept up conversation and then things got a little emotional. We both shared stories of heart ache and things we wanted to achieve. I can’t remember exactly what I was talking about but he reached over and gave me a hug and told me I was in good hands. I knew that. I just didn’t want to admit it.

Half way through the hot chocolate the need to pee hit, I told him I’d be right back and ran inside to use the bathroom. I spruced up, came back out and his car was flashing its headlights and beeped and scared the crap out of me and all I could hear was him chuckling outside of the tree house. He was leaning against the post waiting for me. I got through the gate and over to him and was about to say something and he pulled me in for a kiss. I mean, it was a kiss where I saw fireworks and the world stood still and in that moment I knew the feeling was right. He pulled away, hands still around my waist and asked me to be his girlfriend. I mean, how could I say no? I was smitten and completely light headed from my magic movie kiss. He took my hand and we went back up the stairs and continued our conversation. Me being an idiot, I spilled the last of my hot chocolate and I cursed under my breath. Then, just like in a movie, he pulls off his sweater and white cotton shirt and cleans up the mess. I was taken aback and couldn’t stop looking at his toned stomach and really nice chest. It took everything not to slobber all over myself. He pulled his sweater back over his head and I was a little upset, but it was a nice sneak peak if I do say so myself.

We ended up cuddling next to each other and fell asleep until the sun came up. We sleepily made our way down the stairs around 7:30 a.m. and he walked me to my front door. He gave me a sweet little kiss and said, “See you at work Betsy-Girl.” (The nickname he has called me ever since.) That day, November 5th, 2011 we were official, and have been ever since. I have to say, I’m so glad I met that man. He is the best husband a woman could have. ♥

 

 

Play Date

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Cheesy Egg Smiles

 

What better way than to start your day with cheesy eggs and Paw Patrol? None. There is no day that starts out better, according to Eddie. We go onto NickJr.com and he gets to pick the episode he wants to watch with breakfast, but only one. It’s nice to be able to make his brekky and have a nice hot steaming mug of “pick me up.” Today I decided to use my winter fox mug, probably my most favorite in my collection at the moment.

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It’s one of my most favorite things to do in the morning, pick from the collection. If you haven’t read my recent post, I am a mug hoarder, it’s my thang. Anyway, Daddy had to go to a doctor’s appointment today so I opted to have him drop Eddie and I off at the park for a play date. (I might sound awkward, but we call each other Mommy and Daddy, I love it.) Thankfully I was able to have enough time to get myself put together while I watch my daily vlog by Dr. Dray on YouTube. She is an interesting person of the sorts, I don’t know what my infatuation is with dermatology, veganism, and hanging out with her mother, but it’s different. I’m different. Different is good. 🙂

We gather the packed lunch and toss it in his Kion backpack and it’s off to the park for Eddie and I. I’m telling you, this child had a blast. We don’t get out that much because:

A. We only have one car in commission.

B. I don’t have a license, so yea, there’s that.

He ran for those stairs and down the slide he went, about fifteen times in a row. He ended up making a little gal pal there and would hold her hand as she walked down the stairs and helped her up after she went down the slide. He felt the absolute need to take care of her and it melted my heart and the Mom’s who was beside me telling me how much of a gentleman Eddie is. Oh Momma, if only you knew the real deal at home. I do have to say, I am completely blessed that we have such a wonderful child when it comes to being around other children. It’s like he is a whole different kid. Crazy, I know.

It was so nice to be able to sit and talk to other Moms. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who can’t seem to pry the Kindle out of his hands or that he screams at the top of his lungs when you take away the ketchup bottle because he wants to just squeeze it into his mouth. I felt like I got to a literal breath of fresh air today. It was 58 degrees, which is chilly in Florida when there is wind whipping your face and the sun disappear and reappearing continually. It’s days like these that make me feel so appreciative of what I have and what makes my child happy.

Jonathan met us at the park after his appointment and we let him play for a little while longer. We had been there almost two hours by that time, so he was getting a really great play day in.

About a half hour went by and we told him he gets two more slides and then it’s home time. He didn’t fuss or throw a fit, I could tell he was exhausted. His little eyes were red and his cheeks wind whipped and beaming from ear to ear, we went home. We took our sweet husky, Rigby, for a walk and let him play on his swing set for a little while longer. I could tell he about had it.

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We all came inside and he stayed up for maybe another half hour, and by 5:30 he was out, and still out. Probably not the best thing considering it’s two hours later and I’m exhausted. Little man still needs a bath and we promised him we would make a cheese pizza for dinner. My lazy bum just wants to sit here and continue on but I know duty calls and I don’t want to make the tough decision of waking him. If I don’t now, I’ll be up all night and we can’t have a cranky Momma, not when Daddy goes back to work tomorrow. Oh the agony! I’ve enjoyed his company this past week.

All in all, great day. God blessed us in many ways and I’m just happy to be living this life with the people I love.

Keystone Habits

Romans 12:2(NIV) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

1. Stop conforming into the patterns of this world.

Easier said than done. We are only human and I know that I slip and fall into the endless void of a world that we live in. I am trying so hard to be a better version of myself and sometimes it feels impossible. Everything we are exposed to now a days is shocking and sometimes sickening to me. I think of Eddie growing up in such a technologically advanced world and what he will see, hear, feel, and it makes me cringe. I know there is a lot of good out there and implementing God’s word is the key. I feel I need to start working more with him on the grace of God’s will and what we need to do in this life to prepare ourselves for eternity. We need to be more complacent in our lives and remember that the afterlife is where we strive to be. This world is only temporary and there is so much we can’t even imagine that lies in wait for us.

2. Get caught up with “stuff.”

We do. We get caught up in our work, our schedules, our children, and everything in between. Material things. We accumulate so much “stuff” that we don’t even know why we have it or why we even bought it in the first place. Hi, my name is Betsy and I’m addicted to coffee mug hoarding. No joke. Every chance I get I will buy a mug off Amazon, or a clearance mug at Home Goods, or wherever I can get my “fix.” I just love them. Do I need over 100 mugs? No, I don’t, but it’s hard to stop something once you start. I should know. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Not proud, but honest. I want to stop getting caught up with certain things and let go of the chain that binds me. Think of all that money that could be going into Eddie’s college fund. I know I need to be happy and love myself first, but Eddie is my everything. You become a little more selfless when you have a child and I don’t regret that.

3.When we do wrong, we blame fault.

We are never the ones to blame when something goes wrong or we do something wrong. It’s the truth. We find every which way to make sure it doesn’t go against us. I didn’t mean to fly off that handle for a simple mistake my son or my husband made, it’s obviously my bipolar disorder. I didn’t mean to get a DUI, it’s the alcohol, it took over my body and mind. It’s the disease. I didn’t mean to say those hurtful words, I was just hurt myself and it just came out. Don’t you see? It’s so easy to just blame something to feel better about ourselves. I know I’ll blame again, but I want to try to own up to my faults and realize I did what I did because I made the decision. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

4. We live life with our heads down.

Don’t we? Constantly on our phones, laptops, computers, gadgets, toys, books, the list goes on. We live in such a privileged time that we don’t even want to go outside sometimes. We find the comfort of our homes and our things and that’s all we need. Children today don’t know the fun of climbing trees, riding bikes for miles, playing from sun up until Mom and Dad call us in for dinner. Our son loves his Kindle. I let him have it for educational purposes, a little fun at times, and I think I’m letting him be on it too much. He sometimes cries for his Kindle at night when he can’t sleep. It’s so hard to say no to that little face and a few times, I must admit, I’ve given in. I’m trying to keep it to a minimum and have him play with his toys or on his playground outside.

It seems like people try to avoid one another and aren’t as willing to help someone out, unless it’s for their own benefit. I know there are plenty out there that still do, but the more we live behind our computer screens, the more I feel we isolate ourselves. Just me? I didn’t think so. It makes me feel at my most comfortable self and it makes me want to be more of an outgoing person. I never really was, unless it was behind the bottle. I’ve always been the one who kept to herself at school, did extremely well, didn’t ask questions, and always looked to the ground. I still have a hard time looking others in the eyes. I never look up when I walk because for some reason I have this anxiety that makes me very nervous in public. Unless I pop a Klonopin to take the edge off, I am a nervous wreck and it makes me hard to take Eddie out in public. I freeze when he throws tantrums because I feel embarrassed that people see me as a bad parent. I need to start learning to not care what others think and just focus on what’s in front of me. I am a good Mom and I won’t let that one get to me.

(I tend to go on ranting tangents sometimes, so you must excuse my ADD as a writer.)

Keystone Habit–Worship every week, not just once in a while, it can be transforming.

2019, I’ll choose not to worship if ________________.
ex. sick/contagious, death, sleeping

Point is, there is no excuse not to worship every week. 52/52. I want to try my hardest to keep my Keystone Habit: GOD COMES FIRST. He should be what starts my everyday. He should be who I have in mind when I have a decision to make or how to handle my toddler because believe me, it can be ROUGH.

I took these key points from the sermon Pastor Greg taught today at SunCrest Christian Church. I have to watch them on my laptop because I don’t live in Indiana anymore, but he will always have one of the biggest impacts on my life. This is the church I grew up in and know and will love forever. It’s the church who honored my Grandfather, Eddie Gene Barnett, with a plaque under the flagpole of the first SunCrest individually standing. We started out in Lake Central High School and founded in September 1994. In my heart I will always be apart of that church.

Thank you for the message that inspired my post today, it warms my heart and brings happy tears to my eyes.